Baseball

Do you remember your mom counting down? She would say, "If I get to three, you're _______."
But she never really got to what it was that would happen at three.

"One." There would be this long pause where the smirk still lingered in my face, I can remember thinking how cool I was and how little I cared. One was the safe zone, it's all still fun and games.

"Twwooooo." This is the count that divides kids from normal and stubborn, and where I most often chose the latter, but I began to sweat it. Worried that just maybe, maybe, this time it was for real. This is where my mother would usually choose to interject my name, the way it's written on my birth certificate, into the threat. Somehow a word- my name "Jessica", which normally has this almost sort of delicate ring to it, can sound scarier than any full sentence that ever came out of someones mouth.

There's no describing three. What happens there? I can't tell you because honestly, I'm not sure we ever got that far, the mere idea of three was enough. I wonder...did she even know?


Everyone knows that in baseball (sing with me here) it's...

ONE!...TWO!...THREE STRIKES YOUR OUT!

What we tend to forget is that baseball is a game. In life, we are playing with the big boys, not the kid next to you at the game eating Cracker Jacks, and somethings call for two strikes instead of three.

This is where I am at this week, but for once I'm in my mother's shoes. Here I am, wearing those silly red kitten heels of my mothers standing in the snow on Elk Avenue at one. And to be honest I'm not really sure what happens at the end either.

Valentines Day

Hello all. This....is a brag post.

Disclaimer: If you are one of those Valentines Day hating people who spends the entire week of February the 14th groaning and complaining that it's a made up Hallmark holiday-

1. You are a scrooge. 
2. You should stop reading this post. 
3. ...and maybe my blog. 

It is a Hallmark holiday, you're 100% right, but can you think of one single holiday in America that isn't? That's my rant on that. Get over it. Buy yourself some clearance flowers, discount day after chocolate, and wipe away your black nail polish.

I quite possibly had the best Valentines Day of my life. Mikey-if you're reading this....don't be mad. 

I woke up in the morning (late as usual) for school and got there just in time for class, flustered and rushed. After 50 minutes of the ever thrilling Haase class I walked into the hallway to find Mikey with a dozen roses. This right here is every girls dream but let me tell you I could not get out of that hallway fast enough, EVERY pair of eyes was on me. This is both one of those things we love and hate. When I finally got out of there and into the truck, he hands me the next gift....gee whiz I know. We have this ever going battle for who gets to take the very coveted chapstick with them for the day because it seems they disappear like socks in the dryer just as you wish you had them the most. So in this little red paper bag were a dozen chapsticks of all different kinds. You may not think this is adorable buuuutttt I cried. 

After that, we both had work and whatnot. The only plans I was aware of were that we were making steak together after he got of work. Being the Want, Want, Wanter that I am, I begged to go to swing dancing class and almost ruined everything. We get dinner started and it's this whole process of cheese melting, cooking, baking, stirring [I'm NOT good at this]. Mikey had brought his giant pile of laundry with him and kept running downstairs to sort it, use his stain remover, and move the laundry. I'm such a gullible little shmuck! There is no guy in the world who doesn't just throw it all in and forget about it. And stain remover? 

While he was downstairs each time, I was given some VERY important task and told something like, "Jes, please make sure you keep stirring that the whole time so it doesn't burn." I take these tasks very seriously because, well, usually I mess them up. the last piece was to clean off the dining room table which was more covered in more things than I'd ever seen before. 

When dinner was done, I went and sat down at the table, but he kept walking and told me to follow him. Oh my gosh! When he opened the door to the basement I thought I was really going to explode. Rose petals were spread all down the stairs with candles on each side. In the basement there were more petals and candles all around, he'd set up a blanket and wine, the whole thing! We had our own little indoor picnic, and it was so beyond perfect......melt!

This, mind you, was on top of going to Leftover Salmon as my early V-day gift....and just the everyday awesomeness. I'm a lucky girl with a bundle of roses, a big ol' load of Mikey's laundry, and one heck of a mess in my basement, my goodness do I love Valentines Day. 

What did you do? Let me know!

Hide and Seek

Therapy is a lot like a game of hide and seek. To get at what...or who...is really there, you've really gotta look. Sometimes a look inside someones closet just isn't enough to get at what you're looking for. Every door needs to be opened, every bed needs to be looked under. Sometimes things are hiding in places that you would least expect or in plain sight. If you go through the game quickly without paying attention to the nooks and crannies, it's easy to miss what you're really trying to get at. People are good  at this, we learned at early ages that if you don't look at someone through the crack of the door they can't feel you watching them and will probably pass you by. That any amount of attention drawn to yourself sets the alarm. People don't want to be found. Not in hide and seek, not in therapy, and sometimes not even in themselves.

Class after class about people and their lives and just humanity it amazes me how much we, as a species, are capable of keeping a secret. Some things we see as best pushed under the rug-left alone, forgotten or tucked deep away, suppressed so that we can just go on living.

When I was 6 and as usual in trouble with my mom I thought it would be fun to play a game of hide and seek with my mom when I was supposed to be in "restriction" in my room. I tiptoed down the hallway and into the living room where we at the time had the kind of couch that would eat a child. I pushed myself into the crevice behind the cushion and covered myself up. I sat quietly, waiting. They started looking, at first kind of mad and then frantically. "Jessie! Jessie?! Jessie?!" I didn't laugh, didn't giggle, in fact I'm sure I was holding my breath doing everything I could to be silent. When I came out they were at first relieved and then the relief turned again to anger.

Today, I had that same feeling. I held my breath, bit my lip to keep myself from making a sound. My teacher was looking behind the cushions, I looked through the crack in the door- I'd been caught. Even to me the hiding spot was a surprise. Medical Sociology-a class where no one expects to have to worry about this sort of thing. I think to me the biggest medical mishap I'd had was simply an accident, something that had happened and been fixed. But underneath the metal, the screws and the pins there was more pain than I'd ever known. The questions that had needed to be asked, by me, by someone, by ME, had never come up so that pain over time had just become something else to push under the rug. It amazed me that the questions I was asked put the kind of tears in my eyes that you can feel in your throat.

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... Ready or not, here I come!

How do you feel about what happened?

How do you feel about how it will affect your future?

FOUND YOU!

Think about it, what are the most defining moments of your life? I don't want to put a number on this, some people will have 5 some people will have 20. Just be honest with yourself here, think about the way that even the little things have affected you, they won't all be positive and they won't all be negative.

Praying to Ullr

Ullr- The Pagan god of winter, skiing, snowshoeing, the chase, snow (of course), and other completely irrelevant things. In the fall- he is the god that people in ski towns around the world pray, dance, burn their own skis and toast PBR to. The fact that he is the god of the chase explains why broke idiots from around the globe watch the pow cams, drive through the most dangerous of road conditions, sleep on stranger's stinky couches, and spend money that they don't have. Basically he's the man. And after this weekend where we've got 34" in the last 7 days, 23" in the last 48 hours, and 18" in the last 24, I'm pretty damn sure he lives in some dirty apartment in Crested Butte with pictures of big, big dumps on his walls. Right now he is sitting on a chairlift with a ski bum chick next to him smiling to himself at those hoots and hollers comin' from the trees. I don't know what we did right, maybe somebody burned the right grump, but Teocalli hasn't been open until noon for days and it doesn't look like they are gonna be anytime soon. So tonight, you'd better be praying for more, because wether you do or not, Ullr is here to stay.

My Words of "Wisdom"

Today I was asked for advice regarding some love life issues. HA! This is probably the first time in my life I felt I could actually give something worth listening to.

I told her what I wish I'd been told a year ago, well 10 years ago. Maybe someone telling me the same thing would have sunk in, made me question things, pushed me to make different choices, but in all likely hood-we all know I probably would have done everything in my power (like she will probably do as well) to forget or ignore every bit of instruction I was given.

What I told her was pretty simple...to be classy. Oh wait! Someone did tell me that, shoot!

I told her that if she was making excuses for him and things didn't seem right, they probably weren't. But when in doubt, and big shout out here to Miss Cynthia Hoff,  put Breakfast at Tiffany's on the TV, embrace Audrey Hepburn, and run the tub. Right now if you are thinking: Dammit, this is me... Pick out your favorite nail polish, find that old face mask you probably forgot you even had, shave your legs, buy a Cosmo, and for god's sake lose the phone. Do all the the things you never have time to do. Be busy!

The worst thing you can do when things aren't working out is to continue to try and make them. If he's worth it, he'll call. Sometimes it's better to forget your inner Feminist, just lock her in the closet for awhile. There's something to be said about being unavailable and just (foreign concept here) waiting. When you push it usually results directly with pushing away on the other side. In the age of technology it's too easy to throw yourself under the bus...just one little text, an accidental phone call maybe, or quick "Hey, what's up?" on Facebook. STOP! STOP! STOP! Holly Golightly didn't have a cell phone or profile, she didn't even answer her house phone. Pretend you don't either!

This morning I got ready while Superman cooked me breakfast, the car was already warm, and he even opened the door after we got coffee. He will tell any girl the same thing: if you're paying for dinner, calling him first or putting an ounce more in than he is-you're doing it wrong.

Why, why, why did I not learn my lesson sooner? Agggghhhhh! With that, good luck ladies, you've got to go through a lot of frogs to find a prince and in todays day and age-he's either gay or married.

Drynuary

Moving to Crested Butte is one of those things that changes a lot about a persons life.

Most people will tell you it changes the way you see the world, your lifestyle, how you drive, how often you need coffee, and what you do for fun. CB has a way of making people look in the mirror and see all the things they like and they don't like about themselves and the ways they have been living. What people wont tell you is that off season....when the tourists are all gone, work gets slow, and the weather is the less than the spectacular usual, people tend to add to the list of dislikes.

Spring off season is a lot colder, much slower, and longer than the off season before it and I wanted to make sure that when I looked in the mirror I didn't have to make any excuses. Instead, I decided (key word here!) that January could be a month for starting my year off right. With Spring semester starting it was important for me to have a clear head to get moving in my classes and start making the decisions I needed to with graduation looming closer every day. I needed more energy, more time, and more money.

 Let me tell you-I've found the answer! For the month of January, and much to Mikey's dismay maybe for some degree of permanency, I'm not drinking. Apparently such a lifestyle change is shocking to the good people of Crested Butte and I'm often told, "So just beer right?" or "Just drinking on the weekends then?" Nope, it's cold turkey, as in Shirley Temples and H2O. I've recently been told to call my "big decision" Drynuary. But in all honestly it's easier to ask for a lime, the same cup as everyone else and pretend nothing is happening. Easier said than done with bartender boyfriend.

Enjoy the sunshine while it last! I have a feeling that the January weather we have all been waiting for is just around the corner...

One Little Word 2014

Well hello and HAPPY NEW YEAR! I'm sorry that lately I've basically been anti blog. There's really no excuse, but busyness and carelessness. New Years resolution this year? To decide. Which brings us to this blog post… 2014 is for me, a big year and I want it to be one that is free of excuses and carelessness altogether. With all of the big "real person" choices I have coming up I needed something to push me and get me thinking deeper about what's really going on in this crazy head of mine- so I found One Little Word. It's a sort of online creative classroom to guide people for the year with the core concept of picking one word that you want to incorporate into your life for the year. My New Years resolutions never seem to pan out farther than January 1st so I think maybe the class, which has monthly assignments will keep me in tune with this years. With that…my word for the year is….

                                                  

Definition: To make a final choice or judgement as a result of consideration and thought.

Thesaurus: To determine, resolve, persuade, convince, choose, conclude, figure, pick, find, and intention.

And the one I want to make sure is in no way part of my life not only this year, but ever? Settle. 

I want to become less hypocritical when I say to people, "You can't just wait for life to fall on your plate." I want to be less reactive and more proactive This year is the year I graduate, the year I need to not only step up, but look forward, and the year that I want to decide exactly what I want in my life and what I don't. Though I am happy to say I am where I am now, after four years of college, I am still unsure if it was something I actually chose, myself, to do. I want to make sure that I stop doing what just comes naturally, take where the wind blows me into account, but actively decide to be who, what and where I am. I need to knowingly make decisions this year, big and small, that will more positively impact my life. Purposeful decisions. Right now all I am decided on is being happy, that I would have a hard time being happy in a city and that I love people. But there are very few areas of my life where I am deliberate and intentional. I am promising myself-to each day live more from intention and less from habit, to make the kinds decisions that build stories I would be proud to tell a thousand times.

In 2014, I want more laughing, smiling, happy dances, deep conversations, friends, success, time with Toby, love, adventures, faith, sunshine, stories. I want more meaning-more purpose. What I want less of is wasted time. I want less stress, drinking, tears, people with hurt feelings, spending money. I am deciding to have more of the things and emotions I want and tossing aside the ones I don't. What do I most fear in 2014? Regret. What am I most excited about in 2014? Finishing school and maybe, just maybe, finding more ME.

I invite you to pick a word-to surround yourself with it and let it bring whatever meaning you need it to into your life. Sometimes we need a push to get us to see what we should have just been jumping in with both feet for all along. So what's your New Years Resolution? What's your word?

If you want to participate with me click here and let me know!